i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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