Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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