Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That accounts for only three of the penises
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
