this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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