I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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