At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Be still, my beating vagina.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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