So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
