I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
