Im at strip club and am horny
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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