There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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