I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
