I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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