I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
