guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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