Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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