you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
