Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
