She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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