Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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