whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
