forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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