oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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