when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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