Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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