My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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