It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
