Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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