Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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