I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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