FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
