I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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