i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
