I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
