checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize