I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
