Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
