So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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