i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
