so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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