I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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