Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
