Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
