im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
what the fuck happened to the tacos
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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