plz talk dirty to me
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
