and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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