my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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