I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
