So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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