that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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