We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
