A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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