my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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