take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
