Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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