I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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