I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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