overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
nutella sex= disaster
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
