we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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