She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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