she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
