He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize